Lately John and I have been talking about our dreams and plans and what we really want out of life. We have these talks often and check in with each other and say, "Hey, how are you? Like REALLY, how are you doing, how are we doing? How's that big dream doing? Are you still feeding it?"
I feel like I've needed these talks more than John has, but maybe it's equal.
This week in particular I have needed these talks because I feel like I am LOSING MY MIND.
John has been working extra hours, which has left me to continue parenting late into the evenings by myself instead of getting my much needed break at the end of the day. And after enduring this days at a time, I feel so tired and tightly wound that I think the only thing that will fix me is HOURS of alone time spent in a hot tub, with a good book and a plate of warm chocolate bouchons nearby.
And also, it's lonely here still! Utah still doesn't feel like home and for some reason that adds to the difficulty of it all.
On these long days where John is working more and it feels like I am trying to raise a little one completely on my own, it's freaking hard. Single moms, or moms who have spouses that work crazy hours, you have all my heart eyes, hugs and praise hands. I seriously don't know how you do it. I feel like a pansy.
And sometimes I get mad at myself for getting frustrated or tired. Because I know that being a mom is a privilege and I need to savor these little moments.
For the most part I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that. Like when my babe wakes up at 4am and I scoop him up from his crib and he buries himself into my neck and touches my face with his little chubby hands. I'll hold him and rock him in my arms and it's worth all of the missed sleep in the world. Or when he spits out his organic green veggies I worked so hard to mash and puree, and then smiles the biggest smile, as if to say, "sorry mom, that was disgusting!" It makes me laugh out loud and love him so much that I can't get mad.
I try to soak him all up by taking pictures and videos and kissing him a million times again and again until he laughs. I know he won't be little forever, so I really am trying to treasure it.
It's days when he refuses to nap, has barfed all over my freshly cleaned sheets (I literally JUST put them on the bed) and grabs his full-of-food spoon, flinging it everywhere but his mouth and later on, STILL REFUSES TO NAP; it's those days that counter balance my "oh I'm doing such a good job of enjoying motherhood moments" and I feel like I've failed...
So when John asks me what my dreams are or how I am doing, I spill more words than he's counted on. Because it's hard to find "you" while still being "mom". I pull myself away from the role as often as I can (which isn't very often), pursuing the things I want to pursue, all for the sake of a dream, just because I know that I need it. I need something "creative + career" based that allows me to feel sane. And even saying that out loud comes with guilt and feeling like I am a major #momfail because I feel like being a mom should be enough, but I do need a little something else. I need to be good at something else.
Does that make sense?
Speaking of #momfail I am NOT ready to address how sleep training is going yet or my dreams, but I am ready to talk about how I've been looking for ways to pack more protein in my breakfasts. Behold these baked eggs.
Yes they involve butter and cream (welcome to Sweetish! lol!), but they have loads of fresh herbs and 3 protein packed eggs per person - so it totally balances out. Right?
SPRING EGGS BAKED IN HERBS AND CREAM
serves 4 (3 eggs per person in 4 shallow ramekin dishes)
So! I totally got the inspiration for this recipe from an egg carton. I'm super in love with Vital Farms Eggs. They have the cutest little miniature newsletter that flutters out of the carton every time I open it, and this time, I actually read it. On this newsletter was a recipe for baked eggs. I didn't follow it exactly, which is totally an invitation to not follow this recipe exactly either. It's very much a "little of this and a little of that" kind of thing. It should be fun and easy, just the way we like things around here.
baker's note: I mention two different baking temperatures below for one reason: because it all depends on how you like your eggs. If you want a slightly runny yolk (but still a slightly set yolk too), broil your eggs. If you want a more even bake with some soft-boiled yolks, then bake your eggs at 425° F/ 218 °C. The hardest part here is watching your eggs so that they're done to your likeness. In the pictures here I chose to broil my eggs, and they were somewhere in between slightly runny yolks and hard yolks and I was just fine with that. Using room-temperature eggs makes a difference; cold eggs can make for a slightly uneven bake - aka a little bit underdone in the middle. Room temp. eggs make for an over all even bake - but watch them closely! If you want a slightly runny yolk you take them out of the oven a little sooner than you'd think.
½ cup fresh herbs of your liking, I used equal amounts of flat leaf parsley, basil and thyme and it was perfect!
½ cup good quality parmesan cheese, freshly grated by you, not pre-packed
2 penny-sized (or bigger) garlic cloves, freshly grated or minced
4 tablespoons salted butter (or unsalted, doesn't matter)
4 tablespoons of cream (roughly)
12 eggs, preferably pasteur raised, at room temperature (see baker's note)
kosher salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
big slices of country sourdough bread to serve, preferably toasted and buttered, optional, but kind of a must :)
Preheat oven to broil OR 425°F / 218° C. (See baker's note above about cooking methods and time).
Chop your herbs, grate your cheese, mince your garlic and crack your eggs - Crack 3 eggs into 4 separate "cereal" sized bowls (so 3 eggs in each bowl) and set aside, taking care not to mess up the yolk. If you break a couple of yolks don't worry, it happens to all of us! tip! Cut some extra herbs if you'd like to reserve for sprinkling on top of the eggs when they're done baking
Mix your grated cheese with your herbs and garlic in a little bowl and set aside.
Get out a large cookie sheet, one that can hold all 4 of your shallow ramekin dishes.
Put your ramekin dishes on your cookie sheet, and place 1 tablespoon of butter and 1 tablespoon of cream (or a splash of cream nobody will complain!) in each.
Pop the ramekin filled cookie sheet into the oven, until the butter melts and the cream bubbles, watch it carefully. It should be slightly browned.
As soon as the butter and cream has bubbled, take them out of the oven onto a heat-proof surface. Gently pour your cereal bowl eggs into each ramekin. Each ramekin should have 3 beautiful eggs nestled into each.
Evenly sprinkle your herb + cheese + garlic mixture on top of your eggs with a sprinkling of salt and freshly cracked pepper.
Broil: This should take anywhere from 5-9 minutes. WATCH THEM. This can be a tricky bit! If it looks like they're cooking too quickly or unevenly, tent them with some foil - leaving it open enough so you can still keep an eye on them.
Bake at 425°F / 218C°: Takes about 10-12 minutes, rotating the sheet pan about half way through.
No matter what temperature you choose, bake until the middle the eggs look set - you should see white and they should loose their snot-like (sorry), clear appearance .
While the eggs are baking, toast some thick slices of country sourdough bread and butter liberally.
Serve immediately with hot toast.
If this recipe makes too many servings for you, cool the eggs, wrap in plastic wrap and store in the fridge. Eat later throughout the week either cold or warmed for a protein packed breakfast.